At this time of the year, I am frequently asked by divorced parents for some tips to get through the stresses of being a single parent through the holidays.  Indeed, holidays can create anxieties and conflicts for single and divorced parents. The following suggestions may help you better manage and enjoy your holiday season.

1. Choose to spend time and to celebrate the holidays with people who lift your spirits. Spending time with people you don’t enjoy, out of a sense of obligation, will only bring discomfort to you and your children.
2. Budget some “alone time” to satisfy your own needs — a long walk, lunch with an understanding friend, listening to music.
3. Discuss and plan visits and gift giving with your former partner well ahead of the holiday season.
4. Scale down and simplify your holiday celebrations. Whenever possible involve your children in holiday planning.
5. Go over your upcoming holiday plans with your children. If your children are traveling during the holidays (especially if they are traveling alone), review travel plans with them. Acknowledge and alleviate any of their fears and anxieties regarding their holiday travels.
6. Plan celebrations with friends (and with other single parent families) if you will not be with your children and/or your extended family for the holidays.
7. Try to agree on gift selection and cost with your former partner, never attempting to outdo your ex with better and more expensive gifts. If your ex-partner chooses to lavish inappropriately expensive gifts on your children (especially if you cannot afford such gifts), don’t place your children in the middle of your arguments over this. Consider giving special gifts of your time and making the holidays less materialistic.
8. Continue to use old family traditions if they still work for your family but also consider creating new traditions that might have more meaning for your family’s current situation.
9. Consider spreading out your holiday celebrations, employing several scaled-down events rather than celebrating only the “big times” (e.g. Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, and first day of Chanukah).
10. If your children are with their other parent for the holidays, don’t send them off with a display of sadness, disappointment or anger. They should not be made to feel guilty or conflicted. Encourage them to enjoy themselves and tell them you’ll be looking forward to seeing them when they return to you.

The recent tragedy at Newtown Elementary School in Newtown, CT on December 14, 2012 highlights the despair and pain that follows when a child dies.

The parent-child bond is one of the most meaningful relationships a person will experience. Parents who have lost a child can often feel that a part of them has died. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children and no parent is prepared for a child’s death. The length of a child’s life does not determine the size of the loss. Parents are intimately involved in the daily lives of young children, and their child’s death changes every aspect of family life, often leaving enormous emptiness. When any child dies, parents grieve the loss of possibiities and all of the hopes and dreams they had for their child. They grieve the potential that will never be realized and the experiences they will never share. When a child dies, a part of the future dies along with them.

Some people expect that grief should be resolved over a specific time, such as a year, but this is not true. The initial severe reactions are not experienced continuously with such intensity; rather periods of intense grief come and go over a period of 18 months or more. Over time, waves of grief gradually become less intense and less frequent, but feelings of sadness and loss will likely always remain. Grief reactions following the death of a child are similiar to those following other losses, but are often more intense and last longer.

Parents commonly experience the following grief reactions:

Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial — even if the child’s death was expected.
Overwhelming sadness and despair, such that facing daily tasks or even getting out of bed can seem impossible.
Extreme guilt — some parents will feel they have failed in their role as their child’s protector and will dwell on what they could have done differently.
Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfulfilled.
Questioning or loss of faith or spiritual beliefs.
Dreaming about the child or feeling the child’s presence nearby.
Feeling intense loneliness and isolation, even when with other people — parents often feel that the magnitude of their loss separates them from others and that no one can truly understand how they feel.

As much as it hurts, it is natural and normal to grieve. Some parents find the following suggestions helpful while grieving:

Talk about your child often and use his or her name.

Ask family and friends for help with housework and errands. This will give you important time to think, remember, and grieve.

Prepare ahead of time for how to respond to difficult questions like “How many children do you have?” Remember that people aren’t trying to hurt you; they just don’t know what to say.

Prepare for how you want to spend significant days, such as your child’s birthday or the anniversary of your child’s death.

Because of the intensity and isolation of parental grief, parents may especially benefit from a support group, facilitated by a licensed clinical social worker, where they can share their experiences with other parents who understand their grief and can offer hope.

Parents report that they never really “get over” the death of a child, but rather learn to live with the loss. The death of a child may compel parents to rethink their priorities and reexamine the meaning of life. It may seem inpossible to newly grieving parents, but parents do go on to find happiness and reinvest in life again.

It is important to remember that it is not disloyal to the deceased child to re-engage in life and to find pleasure in new experiences. Every child changes the lives of his or her parents. Children show us new ways to love, new things to find joy in, and new ways to look at the world. A part of each child’s legacy is that the changes he or she brings to a family continue after the child’s death. The memories of joyful moments you spent with your child and the love you shared will live on and always be part of you.

In light of today’s unthinkable tragedy in Newtown, CT, your family may be discussing these events over the weekend. The three websites below provide guidance and advice as to how to talk to children about tragedies involving other children, such as the victims in the Connecticut elementary school shooting.

The first link is to an article entitled, “Helping your children manage distress in the aftermath of a shooting” from the American Psychological Association website. The National Association of School Psychologists have a variety of resources available on line including the two below: a list of tips for parents and teachers in helping students cope with a national tragedy and suggestions for helping special needs students cope with such tragedies.

All of these articles suggest it is important to stay close to your children and limit their television viewing of the news covering these events.

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/aftermath.aspx

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/terror_general.aspx

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/specpop_general.aspx

Please give your children a hug no matter how old they are…

Ronny came out to me. Ronny told me that he was gay  After six months of being in therapy, Ronny, 15 years old, decided that he couldn’t keep the secret anymore.  The secret to himself.  Ronny told me that he had a crush on another boy in his English class and he wasn’t sure what to do.  He and Douglas had known each other since fourth grade, played together on the soccer team, and exchanged video games.  But, now, Ronny said it was different.  These weird, exciting, scary feelings were new to him.  He thought that Douglas was also gay, but only because Douglas was active in the theater department, had mostly female friends, and acted flamboyantly.  All the old stereotypes of what  a gay guy does and looks like.  He wondered if he should just go up to Douglas and declare his love and admiration, or just see where things go in their relationship.  Adding to the confusion, he was worried and scared of how his mom and dad may react to his coming out as gay.  Ronny had two first cousins who were gay and had come out to Ronny’s aunt and uncle several years ago.  It seemed that they were happy and had very close relationships with their family members.  Ronny was thinking of telling his cousins and asking them for advice.  We agreed that that would be a good idea.  But, what about his parents?  He loved his parents and didn’t want to upset them.  What if they stopped loving him or pulled away from him?  Ronny and I decided that we would spend another month or so processing his feelings and then plan a family session with his parents.

Young people are coming out at earlier and earlier ages, having shifted from the 20s and college years into high school and even middle school. According to a new survey of more than 10,000 gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender teenagers conducted for the Human Rights Campaign, 64 percent of those in high school say they are out, and 54 percent of those in middle school say they are. This early openness about sexual orientation carries a possible burden of its own, since adolescence can be such a vulnerable time, and being different can feel like something between a crime and a disease.

The strain of it all plays out in difficult and even risky ways.  Studies suggest that gay teenagers have higher rates of suicide, depression and drug and alcohol abuse than their straight counterparts. The reasons may include the stress of being different and being spurned by friends and family.

Ronny and I talked about how he would come out to his parents.  Even though there is never an ideal time to share such intimate news, Ronny knew that he would not come out in an argument, or at a time he felt angry or resentful.  The message would be delivered to his family in a time of bad feelings and would convey those bad feelings, making the process more difficult for Ronny and his parents in the long run.

Ronny was beginning to understand that it would take time for his mom and dad to accept his sexuality.  His parents may go through periods of rejection, acceptance, and then rejection again before they would come to accept Ronny for who he is and understand something of what it means for him to be gay.  Ronny realized that he has had more time to deal with his sexuality than his parents have. Ronny and I rehearsed how he may tell his parents that he was gay.  Ronny would explain that he is telling them this because he loves them and doesn’t want to be dishonest with them.

After two months, Ronny felt ready and prepared to tell his parents that he is gay.  Last week, Ronny’s parents joined Ronny and me in a family session.  I had met them a few times at the beginning of Ronny’s therapy. I remember them as being loving and supportive of Ronny and had brought him to see me when they noticed his grades were slipping and he seemed depressed and irritable. We all sat down after exchanging pleasantries.  Before I could say a word, Ronny turned to his parents and said, “Mom and Dad, I have something important to tell you and I want you to just listen.”  Ronny talked and talked for 45 minutes straight, as his parents listened intently.  At the end of the session, Ronny and his parents decided to come back for another family session.  As Ronny was leaving my office, he turned to me and said “Thank you, Glenn, thank you.”  At that moment, I knew that Ronny would be okay and that the conversation with his parents had only just begun.

Well — here it is — the first day of school! Time to put away the sunscreen, bathing suit, and bug repellent; it’s time to break in the new sneakers and backpacks and learn new locker combinations. Even though the calendar still says summer, it definitely feels like fall! This is a season of transitions — kids starting kindergarten, adapting to middle school, facing the huge high school. As parents, what can you do to allay any anxieties and fears? First, remain calm and composed. Our kids depend on us to model even demeanor and positivity. Normalize the experience — every child is going through the same changes as your child. For the little ones, keep the goodbyes and hugs brief; your child will be just fine with a short exit. It’s much harder on you to separate than it is for your son or daughter. If you need a good cry, by all means break out the kleenex — just don’t break down in front of your child. Lastly, listen to your child when he or she comes home from school. Ask a lot of open-ended questions: “Tell me about one of the highlights of your day.” “Who do you know in your class?” “What did you have for lunch?” Avoid “yes” or “no” questions. First day of school jitters? The jitters are your own. Be mindful of not transferring them to your child. Mostly, enjoy these precious moments of your child’s development. I’m sure you’ve heard from relatives and friends with older children, it goes by very, very quickly.

I recently received a phone call from a distressed mother, saying that her 15 year old son, Robert, had stopped going to school, spent most of his time in his room, and had lost nearly ten pounds in the past month.  He had become nasty and sullen with his parents and 12 year old sister  She explained that Robert was until now a B+ student, an avid soccer player, and co-president of the school debate team. He had many good friends with whom he spent time studying and going to the movies. She didn’t understand what was going on with Robert and why his behavior had so dramatically changed in the past few months.  I asked the mother and Robert to come to my office for an initial evaluation.

Clinical teenage depression isn’t just bad moods and occasional melancholy. Depression is a serious problem that impacts every aspect of a teen’s life. Left untreated, teen depression can lead to problems at home and school, drug abuse, self-loathing — even irreversible tragedy such as homicidal violence or suicide. Fortunately, teenage depression can be treated, and as a concerned parent, teacher, or friend, there are many things you can do to help.  You can start by learning the symptoms of depression and expressing concern when you spot warning signs. Talking about the problem and offering support can go a long way toward getting your teenager back on track.

There are many misconceptions about teen depression as there are about teenagers in general.  Yes, the teen years are tough, but most teens balance the requisite angst with good friendships, success in school or outside activities, and the development of a strong sense of self.  Occasional bad moods or acting out is to be expected, but depression is something different.  Depression can destroy the very essence of a teenager’s personality, causing an overwhelming sense of sadness, despair, or anger.

Whether the incident of teen depression is actually increasing, or we’re just becoming more aware of it, the fact is that depression strikes teenagers far more often than most people think.  And although depression is highly treatable, experts say only 20% of depressed teens ever receive help.  Unlike adults, who have the ability to seek assistance on their own, teenagers usually must rely on parents, teachers, or other caregivers to recognize their suffering and get them the treatment they vitally need.  So if you have an adolescent in your life, it is important to learn what teen depression looks like and what to do if you spot the warning signs.

These are the symptoms and signs of depression in teens:

• Sadness or hopelessness
• Irritability, anger, hostility
• Tearfulness or frequent crying
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Loss of interest in activities
• Changes in eating and sleeping habits, e.g. eating or sleeping too little or too much
• Restlessness and agitation
• Unexplained bodily aches and pains
• Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
• Lack of enthusiasm and motivation
• Fatigue or lack of energy
• Difficulty concentrating
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Excessive sensitivity to criticism
• Excessive school tardiness and absenteeism
• Marked decrease in academic performance, e.g. failure to complete homework assignments, and falling grades

If you’re unsure if a teen in your life is depressed or just “being a teenager”, consider how long the symptoms have been present, how severe they are, and how different the teen is acting from his or her usual self.  While some “”growing pains” are to be expected as teenagers grapple with the challenges of growing up, dramatic, long-lasting changes in personality, mood, or behavior are red flags of a deeper problem.

The first thing you should do if you suspect depression is talk to your teen about it. In a loving and non-judgmental way, share your concerns with your son or daughter. Let him or her know what specific signs of depression you’ve noticed and why they worry you.  Then encourage your child to open up about what he or she is going through.  If your child claims nothing is wrong, but has no explanation for what is causing the depressed behavior, you should trust your instincts.  Remember that denial is a strong emotion. Teenagers may not believe that what they’re experiencing is the result of depression.  If you see depression’s warning signs, seek professional help from a therapist specifically trained and who specializes in working with adolescents.  Expect a discussion with the specialist you’ve chosen about treatment possibilities for your son or daughter.  There are a number of treatment options for depression in teenagers including indiviudal, family, and group therapy. Talk therapy is often a good initial treatment for mild to moderate cases of depression.  Over the course of therapy, your teen’s depression may subside or resolve.  If it doesn’t, medication may be warranted.  However, antidepressants should only be used as part of a broader treatment plan.You may also want to consider your own therapy to handle the stresses and uncertainities of your child’s illness.

After the initial session with Robert and his mother, I began to see Robert individually.  We discussed his hopes and dreams for the future, his self-perceived strengths and weaknesses, and his myriad feelings about his relationships with family members and friends.  I also had several sessions with Robert’s mother and father, who talked about a family history of clinical depression on the father’s side, Robert’s childhood development, and the stresses that Robert’s depression has placed upon them.  After preparing Robert for what he wanted to share with his parents, I facilitated a family session in which Robert expressed his feelings of unworthiness, guilt for acting so irritable, and anger towards his parents for not spending enough meaningful time with him.  The parents were able to really listen to Robert, be nonjudgmental, and express their love, care, and concern for Robert.

Robert continues to see me individually once a week and plans to join my coed teen support group in the fall.  And, Robert’s parents are relieved to see the glimmer of their son’s happiness return.

Stamford Therapist

I have been practicing here in Stamford, CT since 2002. As a Stamford Therapist my practice is located at Philips Mansion at 666 Glenbrook Road. Philips Mansion is a 100 year old home originally owned by the Philips family, manufacturers of such products as Milk Of Magnesia. It is located in the Glenbrook section of Stamford and has a lovely country feel to it with its very own duck pond.

Patients feel very safe, warm and comfortable in my office. Play therapy with children can consist of playing the board game Sorry, the card game Uno or even arts and crafts like making a puppet. Teens and adolescents get a chance to share their lives, interests and even music that is currently on their iPod. This enables me to foster an alliance and a trusting relationship. Adults are treated with the utmost respect and made to feel as comfortable as possible. We sit across from one another and talk about whatever comes to mind.

Stamford, located in lower Fairfield County Connecticut is also centrally located to Greenwich, New Canaan, Norwalk, Westport and Fairfield. My office is also convenient to Rye, Rye Brook, White Plains, Scarsdale, Harrison and New Rochelle in Westchester County, NY.

My psychotherapy practice is a brief 20 minute drive from Westport, with easy access from both I-95 and the Merritt Parkway.  My practice is located in the Glenbrook section of Stamford and has a lovely country feel to it with its very own duck pond.

Stamford, located in lower Fairfield County Connecticut is also centrally located to Greenwich, New Canaan, Darien, Norwalk, Westport and Fairfield. My office is also convenient to Rye, Rye Brook, White Plains, Scarsdale, Harrison and New Rochelle in Westchester County, NY.

My psychotherapy practice is 15 minutes from Norwalk. I am located in the Glenbrook section of Stamford and my office has a lovely country feel to it overlooking a serene duck pond.

I specialize in treating adolescents and young adults who are adjusting to the many changes in their lives including entering and graduating from high school and college.  The transition to high school, then to college, and ultimately to the “real world” can impact the young person’s self esteem, mood, and relationships with his/her parents, siblings, and friends.

Adults come to me seeking help with self esteem issues, depression, anxiety and fears, marital and relationship problems, anger management, and alcohol and substance abuse issues.  In addition to individual therapy, I treat adults in a group format to share concerns common to most people.

Stamford, located in lower Fairfield County Connecticut is also centrally located to Greenwich, New Canaan, Darien, Norwalk, Westport and Fairfield. My office is also convenient to Rye, Rye Brook, White Plains, Scarsdale, Harrison and New Rochelle in Westchester County, NY.

My office is approximately 15 miles from Fairfield, CT, with very easy access from I-95 and the Merritt Parkway. My practice is located in the Glenbrook section of Stamford and has a lovely country feel to it with its very own duck pond.

Children, adolescents, and adults come to me seeking help for depression, anxiety and fears, relationship issues, and to learn coping skills to deal with life’s many stresses.

Patients feel very safe, warm and comfortable in my office.  Therapy with children involves playing games, drawing, telling stories as a way for me to help boys and girls express their feelings. Teens and adolescents get a chance to share their lives, interests and even music that is currently on their iPod. This enables me to develop an alliance and a trusting relationship with each teen boy and girl.  Adults are treated with the utmost respect and made to feel as comfortable as possible. We sit across from one another and talk about whatever comes to mind.

Stamford, located in lower Fairfield County Connecticut is also centrally located to Greenwich, New Canaan, Darien, Norwalk, Westport and Fairfield. My office is also convenient to Rye, Rye Brook, White Plains, Scarsdale, Harrison and New Rochelle in Westchester County, NY.